Head Above Water

Day 14: Pot Stickers (Dumplings)

As fate would have it, I encountered dumplings on not one, but two separate occasions during today’s festivities. Never had it occurred to me, in all my years of pork-fried rice runs, to ever try such a common food-thing. With multiple options before me, it was my natural duty to pit the prowess of TGI Friday’s offering with the aptitude of the wedding caterers’ concoction in a battle royale of dumpling supremacy (or something)!

Eloquent rhetoric and witty late-night blogging be damned: dumplings are great. After all, you probably aren’t really reading this for a recommendation or for the little details anyway (you probably aren’t even reading it, to be honest). The initial batch was a bit sweeter than the second, but were definitely a higher quality than the wedding set. I had the good fortune to learn all about how these little things are prepared today too. Get some, try some, enjoy some. That’s all there really is to say here. Not bad for an afternoon of stormin’ Mormon castles and escorting Grandma about the festivities.

04/15/12

Day 15: The Barnyard Brawl

America’s fascination with eating contests and feats of colossal caloric intake is no secret to anyone. We love as much food as we can possibly consume in a sitting and then some. Biggie fries? Super sized? Make your drink a shake for an extra buck? Without question. Of Richmond’s more notorious monster-sized dishes is Carytown Burgers and Fries’ very own Barnyard Brawl. A huge patty stacked with eggs, bacon, chicken tenders, white American cheese and all the fixings on a gargantuan bun, all for a surprising $7.49, this thing called for the utmost attention and concentration as Shane and I both took on the challenge.

I am a man who will live and die by the cheeseburger. I’m pretty sure I haven’t gone two weeks without one since I was able to first start consuming them. Without a shadow of a doubt, CB&F delivers. If their cheeseburgers were a musical genre, they’d go harder than Madball while simultaneously managing to outbelt Idina and still have the left over chops for an album’s worth of unreleased Beatles tunes. I swear, this was the absolute jam. As offbeat as the breakfast additives were, I couldn’t get enough. I’m pretty sure I literally felt my blood coagulate with grease after every bite. At this point, it’s pretty safe to say that it now has the consistency of meat-induced tar. If you live in Richmond and haven’t ventured here, you’ve spent too much time in all the wrong places. This Treat Yo’self Thursday, get it together and get down to Carytown pronto.

04/15/12

Day 18: Butternut Squash Soup

I’m not gonna lie, this stuff looked like pure diaherrea when I first set eyes on it. Thankfully, it smelled a helluva lot better than it looked, but the last thing a dude wants to do after an evening of headbanging and feels at the Say Anything show is be forced to pour a bowl of steamy poop down his gullet. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to back down on this challenge this far in the game, especially on my half-birthday of all days. Would I rather have had a nice slice of pizza or eight? Duh. But instead, I slurped down some metaphorical shit so that the three people who actually read this can have some enjoyment at my expense.

I had to back off this stuff twice before I could actually muster up the balls to have the first spoonful. Honestly, it looks a LOT worse than it tastes. Half potato-soup, half what I imagine a soggy slice of peppered pumpkin pie to be, I could actually hang with this. Darren was more scared for me than I was, and when I motioned for him to try some, he nearly punched me in the chest. Thanks be to YOLO, 2012’s excuse of an update on carpe diem for giving him too the cajones to taste this stuff. The best part was that he actually liked it, though he swore he’d never get it intentionally. Quite frankly, neither will I again. Life’s just too short to have crappy soup.

04/19/12

Day 19: Bulgur w/ Red Lentil and Fennel (left), Barley w/ tomato and cucumber (right)

First of all, I have to hand it to Darren for making it this far into his 30 Day Challenge of vegetarianism. I wouldn’t have made it this far, especially with some of the vegetarian options that Shafer provides on a daily basis. That being said, I was about to make another lackluster attempt at a whole bowl of mush, so I decided to try two veggie-friendly dishes I haven’t had before instead.

Starting off with the barley, I was really perplexed at how oily it was. I expected something bland and boring, but the oil brought out the flavor within that made it quite enjoyable. Succinctly, ‘twas supple yet satisfying for something as basic as it is. Bulgur is an entirely different enema altogether. A turkish cuisine commonly found in Armenia, Bulgaria, and Turkey, I could taste traces of familiar dishes in every bite, but couldn’t quite tell what it’d be likened to. The texture proved similar to couscous, but the flavor was a vast departure. Part of me wants to believe that I could have gone two bowls deep of just this alone. The rest of me knows better, thanks to the confusion brought on by the presence of lentils in the dish. My tongue couldn’t handle the juxtaposition of awesome and blegh at the same time. As a result, I have to give this one a perfectly average recommendation to anyone looking to try something left-field for the typical American palate.

(Subnote: As a bonus, I thoroughly treated myself with a b-rate Chicago dog that totally made my week. Even though Shafer didn’t have sesame seed buns and pretty much winged the whole thing, props for making it so that I didn’t know the difference when I was chowing down. You get all the awards today.)

04/19/12

Day 20: Tuna Melt

Let me preface this by getting something out of the way: I hate tuna. No, not in the sense that I’ve had it before, but in the “why the hell does tuna exist and why is everyone trying to make me a tuna sandwich?” sort of way. I’ve always thought it smelled terrible and was just a horrendous idea for a sandwich altogether. Most of those who know me well can attest to my repertoire of illustrious gag-faces that I save especially for the likes of tuna. Just when I thought Shafer had failed me today, I turned the corner to find my nemesis staring me straight in the face. Rad. Plus, I couldn’t bad down in front of Shane, so I really didn’t have a choice.

There was a time where I hated broccoli with every lymph node, functioning cell and prepubescent attitude I had in my body. I would do everything to avoid it at all costs, until I actually tried some. Not only was it not half-bad, but I got to pretend I was a macho dinosaur tearing through some trees like it was nothing. I experienced a very similar feeling in actually having eaten tuna for the first time today. At this very moment, I can’t remember precisely what it was about it that drove me to go without for the last 19 years, so I’d call it a success. The chips it came with were terrible, but whatever.

Let it be known: Thomas Dale McPhail no longer hates tuna.

This is ~~sort-of~~ a momentous day, indeed.

04/20/12

Day 21: Raisin Bran and Almond Milk

Sugary cereal is my brand of heroin. You wouldn’t catch me dead without a bowl of Waffle Crisp in the morning back in the day. Cap’n Crunch was solely responsible for me passing middle school. Golden Grahams and I have been through some tough weeks. This moral code creates within me a natural inclination to stay as far away from bland, boring cereals as humanly possible. If it wasn’t colorful, overpriced and didn’t contain a berserk amount of sugar, you could count me out. So, after a long day of Quidditching, rather than fill my insides with delectable foodstuffs, I chose the driest, blandest, most off-putting cereal I could find instead.

Raisins digust me, no matter the form. I could never get down with them. What’s so enticing about a dried grape that looks like shriveled burnt skin is beyond me. They don’t taste great with anything, ergo they serve no purpose. The only thing that could have made raisin bran more vile to me was consuming it soggy (which, lo-and-behold, I did). There was nothing good about any of it. Why I put my body through that is beyond me. I’m sorry, intestines. I really don’t hate you as much as you’re probably convinced I do right now.

Almond milk is an entirely other story altogether. Darren acquired some from Katryna and I needed something to compliment the last of my Thin Mint stash. Perfect, or so I thought. I could taste the almonds (something, for some reason, never occurred to me would actually happen). It’s consistency didn’t match that of my beloved regular milk, which made it all the more undrinkable. The cookies, however, were completely untainted by this. Thankfully, I was still able to enjoy them in solitude sans beverage. Alas, if only if only.

04/22/12

Day 22: The ‘Knock Me Up Scotty’ (Fried Pickles, One Scoop of Ice Cream, One Hardboiled Egg, A Ton of Ranch)

I couldn’t think of three items that could be more ridiculous together in one dish. A main staple of Carytown’s Galaxy Diner, this pregnancy-craving revue was easily the last thing I wanted at 2PM on a Sunday. 10 hours of sleep had me ravenous for something awesome, and I was not stoked about conquering the elusive hardboiled egg I’d spent so many Fourths of July avoiding.

Our righteously-dredlocked waitress dutifully informed us (Darren, Katryna, Shane and myself) that, though up to me, this was a dish traditionally served drenched with ranch. In the spirit of the challenge, I dove in. My disgusted perceptions of eggs prepared in such a manner were confirmed by first bite. I could barely stomach the rest of it. Likewise, trickling ranch into the ice cream was hardly a novel idea, though I couldn’t really tell the difference visibly. At one point, I’d had a bite of all portions of this platter in my mouth at once, and I can hardly believe I’m saying this, but it wasn’t half bad going down the hatch. My insides were having intense deliberations over whether or not to impeach my stomach from my body soon afterwards. These troubles were soon quelled by talk of Shane’s communist sympathies, Darren’s less-than-American ideals regarding dining options, and a tell-tale explanation of why Kanye West is a patriot for the ages.

I’d highly recommend this dish to anyone looking for something out of the ordinary without looking to bust the bank. Galaxy is by far one of my favorite restaurants, and even with something like this, they hardly disappoint.

04/22/12

Day 23: The “Veg-Out” with chipotle cream-cheese, pepperjack and avocado on cinnamon bagel.

Darren and I have never ventured to Einstein during swipe hours. It just never made sense. Seeing as how he could only get one thing on the menu (in congruence with his 30 day challenge of not consuming meat), I decided to order one in solidarity: every veggie in Einstein’s repertoire with chipotle cream cheese and avocado on a cinnamon bagel. To level the playing field and incentivize the deal, I got my second vanilla hazelnut of the day to wash it down.

I’ve said before that I’m down to try just about anything once. Putting things typically not meant for a cinnamon bagel proved to be some straight-up righteous experimentation. Neither of us thought it would actually be worth taking more than two bites out of, but we crushed them in a few minutes flat. There’s not a whole lot more that can be said.

Einstein Bros Bagels: Proof you can put not-weird things on other not-weird things to make a weird thing and have it turn out insanely delicious since 2012.

04/23/12

Day 24: Aloo Gobi

Jonah’s Culinary Emporium has to be one of the most neglected aspects of VCU campus life. A spirited jaunt from my typical stomping grounds, I ventured over to indulge in the offerings of Jonah’s Culinary Emporium with Meagan. Not only did I enjoy some spirited conversation with Mr. Ryan Murphy himself along the way, but I happened to run into Emily, who was nice enough to give me a succulent Agriberry strawberry! But I digress…

If I can’t pronounce a dish, I figure it’s safe to say that I’ve probably never encountered it before. Such was the case when the cheeky, high-spirited chef at Jonah’s grilling section suggested that I try this curious side with some of his world-class meatloaf. If I didn’t like it, he’d switch it out right away, which added to my curiosity. A hindu-blend of potatoes and cauliflower with curry and various spices, I hardly knew what to expect from this. I figured something tangy and…yellowy? As it turned out, aloo gobi more closely resembles vegetable potpourri with a Buffalo Wild Wings dry-rub if nothing else. Not the sort of spicy that Pace Salsa writes off as filling and zesty, but the heat-based spicy that has you clamoring for a glass of milk and the nearest commode. Thankfully, this dish was nowhere near that caliber of caliente, and all was well. When I went back to pay my compliments to my new favorite on-campus chef, my praises were met with a fist-bump and an exuberant “ALRIGHT!”.

Most righteous lunch-time of the month, hands-down.

04/24/12

Day 25: Goulash/Roasted Corn Chowder/Chocolate Hazelnut Tart

If ever a day has yielded disgustingly poor results in this challenge for me, today has. After running around all over Richmond and delivering a presentation I literally spent 2 semesters on, finding a suitable new dish proved difficult. Let’s be real here. Broke college students can’t afford to eat out every day, even in a city as diverse and culturally saturated as Richmond. Though ideally I’d like to be able to check out an ethiopian restaurant one day and an exotic food cart the next, it’s currently not within my means. With that out of the way, let it be known that I refuse to back down, even if I’ve exhausted every option Shafer already.

First on the list was goulash, which was essentially glorified chili. Two bites in and I already felt like I cheated today’s challenge, so I decided I’d regroup later and find something else to “count”. After another intense Darren workout (I’ve never felt more sore), we went to Shafer to power down where, lo-and-behold, nothing was new. Instantly, I was crushed. I did what must have been 7 or 8 scans of the place before I settled on this roasted corn chowder, the only hope I’d remotely had for my one swipe. Again, two bites was all it took before I had to back down. It just wasn’t different enough to make the cut, though I can say I haven’t had it before. The closest thing to compare it to would be the enchilada soup that Progresso started selling a few years ago (which, by the way, is the total bomb-diggity). I soldiered on, but was determined to give it one last try. Finally, salvation was handed to me for just $1.50. Starbucks had both a variety of tarts AND dried cranberries up for grabs, so Darren made me opt for the tart. Truth be told, I’ve always steered clear of their overpriced foodstuffs, but by that point I would have rolled with anything.

A perfect stranger to tea-time treats across the world, I found my morsel of sugar to be quite the delight, but far too small. Sure, in America, we’re conditioned to the mindset of bigger/more always being inherently better. I’ve got you, Framers. Consider yourselves backed on that one. But $1.50 for a bite and a half of tasty sugar? The higher-ups are absolute geniuses. They knew I’d be clamoring for more, the son-of-a-guns. Drew (my dude on the cash-box behind the counter) equated it to an over-antiquated pop-tart. How very right he was. Granted, for that amount of hazelnut, I think I have a bit of a right to be angsty. If size is this thing’s only flaw, then play on. I’d take this (albeit larger) over any pop-tart any day of the year.

Tomorrow will be better, followers. That much I can promise you. With only 5 days of culinary deviancy left, it is my solemn vow to not derp out this hard again, and to finish off strong. I’ve got this. I promise.

04/25/12

Day 26: Marinated Artichokes

I’m not gonna lie, these looked absolutely repulsive when I first saw them. I couldn’t give you one reason as to why this would be a good idea for anyone to make, let alone serve. Slimy and mixed with black olives? Hell no. It took a great deal of faith in the cooks at Jonah’s to man up enough to order these. Though the first bite wasn’t half-bad, I found it difficult to barrel through this lunch. To be honest, they weren’t all that bad, but the texture was too convoluted for my tongue to make proper sense of it. Plus, black olives and I have never been friends, but I’ve tolerated them. Their abundant presence probably made me think this was worse than it was, in all actuality.

In the end, not even the solace of trying Spinach & Artichoke dip could make my reservations on this go away. It’s rare that would I call myself a picky eater. Ever since conquering broccoli in fourth grade, I’ve been down to try pretty much anything without complaint. Today was a testament to that mantra. I was half a second from running to the pizza ovens and calling it a day, but I knew I had to do it.

Tommy McPhail: Trying Repulsive Things So You Don’t Have To Since 2012.

04/26/12

Day 27: Shabbat Supper (Baklava, Shawarma, challah, hummus, couscous, pesto, etc)

After a sweaty, strenuous afternoon of Quidditch, starvation was the prevalent state of emotions my body was undergoing. Most went to Shafer, but Tim invited Darren and I to Shabbat supper with some of his fraternity brothers, promising the finest in Jewish cuisine. Granted, after going to Hanukkah at his house this year, those were words I was more than willing to trust.

The fine folks of Hillel of VCU, after a few prayers and introductory remarks, turned us loose on a buffet-style feast. Though I’d definitely had a few things before, there was way too much for me NOT to find something. One of Tim’s brothers scooped a bunch of shawarma on my plate, which is a specially-prepared dish of meats traditionally eaten with pita. The juices were sopped up by the bread, making for an even more delicious experience. The verdict? Succulent and satisfying. As for the baklava (a pastry dessert made with honey, syrup and nuts), my mind was thoroughly blown. For someone who eats chocolate on the daily, I have to give this props. My cutlery couldn’t handle it, but my stomach was happy to oblige. Not what I was expecting at all, but a victory all around.

Pregaming for Jurassic Park with Shabbat supper was a primo decision (even if we did only catch the last few minutes). A big thanks to Tim for feeding Darren and I tonight!

04/27/12

Day 28: Sriracha-Covered Peas

Campus finally ran dry of new food options on this dreary Saturday. I couldn’t bring myself to another Shafer swipe-in to satisfy my hunger for exotic tastes. Instead, Tori and I accompanied Shane (after suggesting Spotted Dick, which was a no-go) to Kroger and scavenged their international food aisle for something a bit more out-there than a new flavor of hummus or unique pizza topping. Among the items we scored was this can of chili and garlic-coated peas, which according to the label is “a happy treat for happy times.” Well, damn. How can you argue with that? Happiness literally in a can? I’m down.

The overpowering smell that erupted and waged war with my nostrils was insanity. I probably could have stripped paint straight off a car with those fumes. The first bite was much more forgiving. I liken it to the crunchy brown pieces in Gardetto’s/Chex Mix. You know what I’m talking about. Those dark italian chips or whatever? Almost the same thing. I also sort of forgot they were peas for a few minutes. Really addicting, if you aren’t careful. If a more cantankerous bartender were looking for a surefire way to thoroughly mess with his least-favorite patrons, he need look no further than these. “Accidently” mixing a can of these in with the usual beer nuts would be sure to do the trick. If you’re in the mood for something a bit more left-field than another bag of Doritos, I’d say these are worth the $4. Your mouth will thank you, but your bowels probably won’t.

04/28/12

Day 29: Ginger Candy

While selling candy in cigarette-esque packaging sort of rubs me the wrong way, I have more of a problem with coating something spicy with powdered sugar and calling it candy. I had no clue as to what ginger candy entailed. Initially, the stuff was really sweet and gummy, like Swedish Fish and not-crappy molasses fused in perfect harmony. Then, out of nowhere, the bite of the dry-rub spice monster came out of nowhere and clamped down on my tongue. I hadn’t been that confused since Invader Zim got inexplicably cancelled. Yuck.

There’s not a whole lot else to say. Captain America and pizza await me for the rest of the evening. One day left, and I have no idea how I’m gonna go out with a bang.

04/29/12

Head Above Water

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